the german pornstar

Things with the Guy I wrote about a few weeks ago? Are over, as of yesterday. I'm not heart-broken, but it does feel like a simultaneous punch in the face and kick in the ass. It's taken me a long time to find someone with whom I thought things might have a chance of working out and where I desperately wanted to trust; hardly did I know there were complications in the form of another woman involved. I can't really put it all on his head because sometimes life just doesn't work out the way we want it to and he certainly didn't mean to put me (or himself) in this situation, but the thing is I'll have to face him at work for the next five months, and it's just... I don't know. I'd love to go down fighting, but I don't really think I stand a chance. I wouldn't even know how to go about fighting for it anyway. In the end, it's just... bitter, I guess.

Back to putting together the pieces.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the King's horses and all the King's Men
Couldn't bring Humpty together again.

but at least it's only two months (to the day!) until I'm back in London, to spend more time with all you fabulous people :D

More detailed write-up to follow later because apparently I'm going out with a friend tonight. Huh. *g*

I think the deinties of the internet are set against me.

I'm sitting at Grimmauld Place, trying to get my Firefox to connect to the internet. My Firefox has never been actually bitchy, but I think maybe it's got something against a British connection? Maybe it only really wants to work with German internet? I've no idea. Anyway, this means I just strategically destroyed too many tabs to count (*sob*) so I could actually, y'know, look up what I want to do today. (I'm thinking Natural History Museum, then go and buy National Express tickets, then Madness & Modernity and/or a little bit of shopping. Idk. We'll see how much I can take!)

Is loading three tabs too much to ask? Is it???

(Btw, I might have mentioned that I had a small problem booking a room here at Grimmauld Place because I don't have a goddamn credit card? The GP people told me I should just stop by anyway, I'd have a great chance of getting my single room... So I turned up here. Turns out there was no single room available anymore, but because they remembered emailing with me I now got myself a double-bedded room for the price of a single. YAY! At least something. You can't imagine how much I panicked when I heard the single room was taken. *exhales*)

Off I am to the airport... :D Can't wait to be in London again! Now here's to hoping everything's going to go well with my hotel room... Don't break the internet while I'm gone!

I seem to have acquired A Guy. I'd been subtly trying to pull his attention in the right direction for two and a half weeks, and yesterday evidently we finally arrived where we'd been wanting to go. This is going to be quite interesting because a) he's a colleague of mine (only started at the beginning of the month), b) my mother is home from Munich, and c) I leave for England in three days.

I'm still a little nonplussed because it's been such a long time since I've had anything going on in this kind of direction. I'm trying to be careful, but from what I know of him he might actually be good for me. Which would be a first...

I feel so doomed. Now neither snapelike nor imma are going to meet up with me in London! They can't come (through no fault of their own), which leaves me all by myself. Eh. This is less than ideal :/ I do have other people I'm going to meet there (anyone to whom I haven't spoken about meeting up yet?), but I really wish I could have had some time with the two of them, as rooming with them last year was brilliant. *sniff*

You know how I haven't written a word in, oh, just over two months? I am determined to flood this writerly desert today. I need my words, and you can give them to me.

I want to write drabbles, so prompt me! I don't guarantee anything as to length and/or quality, I just want something to get my mind back into it. Character/pairing and a word (or photo, or whatever floats your boat). HP, SPN/CW RPS, or Merlin *cough*. Possibly LotR. Possibly other things. Ask. Though see above as to the no guaranteeing anything.

I'm thinking about implementing a filter for RL-related purposes. I don't want to bore anyone with my shaky stuff, so speak up if you want to be on it! I'm also open to any and all kind of email correspondence - I'd rather talk there than via comments, for I'm private like that and like emailing better, because it gives me more space to talk. Not necessarily just about myself, mind you ;)

For those who don't know - I've been buried by my anxiety for the past two months. I won't bore you with the details, but it seems like fandom is getting the bad end of it. My muse is dead; she momentarily speaks up here or there, but it's seldom, and mostly my job just exhausts me so that nothing on the writerly end comes around.

I've begun reading fic here or there again, but I'm afraid I've missed a lot. It's sad being so disconnected from y'all, especially since I'm going to be in London and Kent in two weeks! So I ask you to rec me the good stuff that's been posted over the last two months! Rarepairs, Snupin, Snarry, fic, art, short, long - I don't care. Good characterisation and, if possible, some psychological depth would be great. Please? *puppy eyes* I need the distraction. Also, get my English back into shape ;)

I'm lying down with a nice combination of laryngitis and sinusitis. I've been sick since Friday but of course couldn't stay home; the fact that I work in kindergarten of course didn't help my throat any. I went to work until Tuesday (singing in the morning circle with my kids was hilarious as I couldn't hold a tune to save my life, my voice cracking all over the place, LOL) and then stayed home because at least another teacher could take my group from Wednesday on. I practically begged my doctor to give me something so I could go to work, but she firmly told me to leave it at that. My voice was already pretty damaged at that point. The doc said that if I didn't stay home *now* I'd probably have no voice at all anymore by the time the weekend rolled around, and then I could look forward to staying home for roughly ten days or something. So I gave in. I'm feeling better now - it's my second day on sick leave - and at least I seem to have a little bit of my brain back, which always counts for something, no? Eh.

Because of this combination of too little sleep, being overworked and underpaid, sickness, AND planning my mother's move to Munich, I'm also the worst possible exchange participant in like, ever. I think I'll have to send feet-long apologies when I finally get my two outstanding fics in. I can't believe I am this bad :( I have time on my hands now, but not the mental capacity to concentrate for a longer stretch of time. I need to pound through editing one fic, which I shall do today no matter what, and tomorrow I'll work on the other fic I need to beat into submission - wish me luck for it!

(not even) 6am: another week has begun.

I just said goodbye to my mother, who left for the week for the town she works in. Got in maybe one grand hour of sleep. Coffee + cigarettes would be made of win right now, but sadly I can't smoke just yet because my uncle comes over today because... someone needs to do something in the flat, and I can't be home 'cause that'd mean losing an entire day of work, which, not on. At least I have my coffee...

Gotta get some stuff clean now (why so bloody early!). I think today is going to be quite interesting. Don't you agree? :/

ETA: We shall not forget to mention that apparently I have a jammed nerve thing next to my shoulderblade (ow!) and that starting today, I have my own group of kids who maybe I should be able to lift if needed. Can someone send a virtual massage? It would be much appreciated.

Wow, I just squeezed out the missing half of my wizard_love fic. I think the fact that I had to take some time off it wasn't so bad after all; it gave me time to gather new strength and determination and also some distance to what I had down already. I'm not sure what to think of it right now, but I'll leave my personal judgement of that 'til tomorrow. I have an extension until the 7th with it anyway, so I can make the editing process as thorough as I'm capable.

Now back to reading Marion Zimmer Bradley's Lady of Avalon, which is the second of three prequels (I think?) to The Mists of Avalon. In that vein, do any of you have any recommendations for Arthurian legend reading material? The only other I've read too many years ago to actually remember is Rosalind Miles' Guenevere - The Queen of the Summer Country.

Hahaha! I just initiated payment for the PendraCon in July! Eeeeeh!!! I really am so looking forward to EVERYTHING happening this year. I mean, I'm going to be in London and Kent in April too, so... what's not to like, I ask?

Haven't been doing any writing this past week, which plain sucks; I'm going to have to take much more responsibility at work (some of it which I legally shouldn't really be allowed to do, but you can twist this around so that I can do it after all...). I'm looking forward to actually having a group of children of "my own", so to speak - ten 2-3 year-olds. It's going to be challenging and exhausting, but so great, I think. It's definitely... quite something. I've been trying to figure out how to go about it all week, hence not being around much, hence no writing - hence have to contact several people about deadlines. *headdesk* Shall do so in a moment.

That said - LONDON I'M COMING.

Ahahaha WHAT. This day has gone well beyond ridiculous, guys.

First off, there's this guy I've been kind of... crushing on since September (though I haven't really spoken to him yet, so go figure), and I thought he was actually gone out of my life since December. And today he appeared at work (he's the Hot Construction Worker), ahahaha. LOL.

Then, I signed up for spn_j2_bigbang. And a few hours later I realise that there's Snupin: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, for which I have a tentative plotbunny that might or might not make the 25k, and I realise that the Snupin Big Bang and the SPN/J2 Big Bang have almost exactly the same due dates, Snupin being one day earlier for everything. WHAT WHAT WHAT. Especially since I'll be in England at the time, so that means - if I want to go through with the Snupin BB I have to have it written into a submittable fashion until April 22. And I have a major deadline for April 19 already. AGH. How to manage this, I ask?

Also, I coded 100 links for the masterlist of spn_j2_xmas, and it made me feel physically sick. I cannot for the life of me see another word written on a computer. Except for where I do, obviously.

Help!

spn_j2_xmas, the 130-participant exchange I've been modding, is slowly winding down. Only a few more days until everything should be in, and then that's a wrap. I'll be sad to see it go...

( work angst, as per usual )

On a good note, I'll fly out to London on April 22, continue on to Kent on April 25, return to London on May 1, fly back to Berlin on May 2. I already know I'm going to meet up with a couple SPN/RPS-oriented people, which is, I'm sure, going to be a shitload of fun. And of course there'll be all you lovely HP people to meet in Kent at the latest, too! Yay.

I'm also looking into possibly attending merlinmeet, should it take place in London. It might mean I'm going to be in London July 2-6, as well! Wouldn't that be amazing, don't you think? :D

I'm actually gobsmacked at how much I can look forward to for this year. I'll be in Hamburg for a weekend to attend the musical The Lion King with my mother in March, I think; my mother might go to work in Munich, so I'll probably visit her there, too; liquorice_wheel might spend a year in France, where I firmly plan to visit her, too. Heh. So much I want to do! OMG YAY! Hopefully it'll work out financially... We'll see.

Fuck it's 10pm and I gotta get up at 5 so I should really really think about going to bed, but instead I'm all hyped up because I drank FOUR cups of coffee so I'd survive the afternoon and get some writing done.

I did get my writing done, but now sleep is as far away as possible. WHY D:

Have my dearsanta contribution! This was the only holiday (New Year's?) exchange I participated in in 2008, heh. I think I'll rectify that this year, but we'll see how burnt out from exchanging I'm then, and if I've fucking finally made it into university. Aaaaanyway:


The Dream In Me
Hermione/Lucius. NC-17. ~4,700 words.
Even in the most persistent immovability, nothing is fully motionless.


And, uh, yes. I actually am proud of this one, considering I only got the assignment a week before fics were due. Stupid Yahoo.

So, this week was incredibly busy. Not in the I-want-to-die!/I-want-to-erase-this-week-from memory! kind of busy, but the I-only-came-home-to-sleep kind of busy. I actually don't feel too bad about that because I felt like I achieved much this week - mainly taking a huge bout of responsibility and being good with, for the duration of one colleague's vacation, leading one group at kindergarten. Which I don't think I'm actually allowed, law-wise, but whatever *g* It's exhausting, but god I love the feeling of being able to keep up with this.

Anyway. I don't think I ever thanked you guys for your birthday wishes, did I? *collective hug* I had a fun birthday (one week ago already!), my 20th, for those who are keeping track. I don't think I ever laughed so much or felt so much at ease with my family. My mother gave me a phallic symbol, my brother (whom I hadn't seen in almost two years) came by for a surprise visit, we went to dinner with everyone, and then I met with my best friend, liquorice_wheel, her boyfriend, my cousin, my brother, and someone else I didn't know to go out for drinks. I staggered home very drunk at 3:30 with my cousin in tow, proceeded to claim White Fang to adapt into a J2 AU at j2_everafter before someone else could snag it, and then did not sleep because my cousin was snoring. Heh.

Otherwise my life is as dull as ever, though it seems I'm going to be in London/Kent from April 25 to May 2 or something! Whee! Flights are still cheap, so I'll probably book those soon and then I just need to work out how much time to spend in London and how much in Kent - we'll see! Probably first half in Kent, second half in London? Idk! It's still some time until then.

books in 2008, 2007

1. (R) Wolfsblut by Jack London (German - OT: White Fang)
2. (R) Die Wälder von Albion by Marion Zimmer Bradley (German - OT: The Forest House)
3. Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell (English)
4. (R) Die Herrin von Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley (German - OT: Lady of Avalon)
5. (R) Die Nebel von Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley (German - OT: The Mists of Avalon)
6. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien (English)
7. The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien (English)
8. The Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkien (English)
9. The Lord of the Rings - The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien (English)
10. The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux (English)
11. The Time Machine by H.G. Wells (English)
12. Star Wars: Wächter der Macht 1 - Intrigen by Aaron Allston (German - OT: Legacy of the Force 1 - Betrayal)
13. Star Wars: Wächter der Macht 2 - Blutlinien by Karen Traviss (German - OT: Legacy of the Force 2 - Bloodlines)
14. The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran (English)
15. The Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien (English)
16. The Children of Húrin by J.R.R. Tolkien (English)
17. (R) Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone by J.K. Rowling (English)
18. (R) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling (English)
19. (R) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling (English)
20. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Six Other Stories by F. Scott Fitzgerald (English)
21. The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger (English)
22. Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery (English)
23. Anne of Avonlea by L.M. Montgomery (English)
24. Die Ahnen von Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley (German - OT: Ancestors of Avalon)
25. Sherlock Holmes - Volume I by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (English)
26. Die unendliche Geschichte by Michael Ende (German - original; English title: The Never-ending Story)
27. False Colors by Alex Beecroft (English)
28. Der König der Narren by Tanja Kinkel (German)
29. Twilight by Stephenie Meyer (English)
30. Star Wars: Obi-Wan Kenobi - Leben und Legende by Ryder Windham (German - OT: The Life and Legend of Obi-Wan Kenobi)
31. New Moon by Stephenie Meyer (English)
32. Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer (English)
33. Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer (English)
34. Afterdark by Haruki Murakami (German - Japanese translation; English title: After Dark)
35. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (English)

ENGLISH: 24
GERMAN: 11
re-reads: 7

*~*~*

a) Star Wars: Wächter der Macht 3 - Sturmfront by Troy Denning (German - OT: Legacy of the Force 3 - Tempest)
b) Die Priesterin von Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley (German)
c) Kafka am Strand by Haruki Murakami (German)
d) Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte (English)
e) The History of Science Fiction by Adam Roberts (English)
f) The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum (English)
g) Winnie-the-Pooh by A.A. Milne (English)
h) A Song of Ice and Fire 1 - A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin (English)
i) Lysistrate by Aristophanes (German)
j) Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury (English)
k) Sherlock Holmes - Volume II by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (English)
l) Tom Brown's Schooldays by Thomas Hughes (English)
m) Tom Brown at Oxford by Thomas Hughes (English)
n) Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe (English)
o) Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie (English)
p) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling (English)
q) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling (English)
r) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling (English)
s) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling (English)
t) Griechische Mythologie by Herbert J. Rose (German)
u) A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini (English)
v) Im Schatten des Pferdemondes by Evita Wolff (German)
w) Atonement by Ian McEwan (English)
x) A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams (English)
y) Lyra's Oxford by Philip Pullman
z) The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett (English)
ä) The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro (English)
ö) The New York Trilogy by Paul Auster (English)
ü) Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman (English)

I currently seem to have a problem writing stories outside of canon.

I think it stems from the fact that I'm currently writing the Wordless 'verse in Supernatural fandom, which is closely canon-oriented, and I'm at the beginning of rewatching Merlin to outline an exclusively canon-oriented Arthur/Merlin fic. As time has gone on, AU stories that simply ignore character deaths like Sirius's or Tonks's or Fred's or Regulus's - sometimes even Remus's, though I think Severus's death may be easily explained away in a sentence or two - seem... too easy for me. It's hard to describe. I mean, I am an angst-oriented writer, so there's that - I like my tragedies and character deaths, thank you very much. I also am a writer who seeks the challenge - unlikely pairings. Making them fit into the canon world is something I like doing: showing the possibility of these pairings' existence is what I have been focusing on for the past year, I think.

That's why I want to follow up my Bill/Tonks(/Charlie) story with a Bill/Tonks/Fleur story, just so I don't completely ignore the Bill/Fleur pairing. That's why I'm having trouble envisioning the ending to my livelongnmarry story (which is Remus/Severus), which is so hideously late, I don't even know anymore. I have a plotbunny for February's daily_deviant, which has grown complicated in my head and therefore I have trouble making the beginning I have down on paper actually work. Likewise for wizard_love and hp_springsmut, though Springsmut would be easiest in the canon context, because I won't have to ignore the character deaths. I just have to fit the pairing into canon, which... is going to be complicated. The ending to WL, though... I'm not sure yet what to do. In the interest of my giftee I will have to ignore canon for that, I think, but would I be satisfied with that?

We'll see how well I can twist things around so I don't ignore preferences, but make the story work for me, too. Am I being selfish with wanting that?

I wish you all a happy new year! Have a fantastic 2009, filled with love, happiness, and positive things! See you all next year!

( 2008: in review )

Overall, I'm very pleased with myself for this outcome. No month passed without me posting fic, and I do actually feel like I've grown as a writer over the past year, which is nice. I still see my failings, of course, but I've been trying to work on them (sometimes with good results, sometimes with less than good results), and I think my strengths have been manifesting. I got invited to erotic_elves and daily_deviant, both of which I found overwhelming. I feel like I can go out of this year with a positive feeling when it comes to writing, which is very nice :) Therefore, my writing resolutions for 2009 are unspectacular - to keep working like this and to maybe see if I can write more involved and complex stories.