the german pornstar

So apparently my mother's side of the family - the only family I've been in contact with these past two years - is falling apart as we speak. I don't mind so much because of Things I will summarise behind the cut, but my mother minds very much, which is why I'm very very angry about this.

( tl;dr about Jules' family which you might or might not want to know - touches some sensitive stuff )

I'm thinking it's getting clear why I'm not so hot on the family stuff.

Now this feels a bit better. A tiny, tiny bit.

After months and months of not touching the keyboard, thanks to mini_nanowrimo, I'm back to writing daily. Each day in November (so far), I've managed to write at least 100 words. Go me!

But that's not the object of this post.

I've been thinking about what to do when Mini Nano is over. How to kick my butt and stay with the writing daily? And I've come up with an idea:

Is there anyone who'd like to open up a writer's group, so to speak (via email or whatever), where we can report our word counts, keep each other on track, and squee about our writing? I was thinking maybe we could give out prompts if someone fails their target or some such. What do you think, anybody for it? *puppy eyes*

LONDON IN EARLY JANUARY, YAY! HAVE FLIGHTS AND PEOPLE TO MEET. SO ECSTATIC! *dances*

Okay, on a slightly saner note: apparently you can forget how to write porn. It's painful to admit, but it is so - I've become rusty with the writing. On that note I ask that you rec me your favourite quick-and-dirty PWPs (HP, SPN, CW RPS, Merlin)! Please? *puppy-eyes*

Also, I can haz more triumph today: for my BA I have to attend this stupid course Pronunciation and Intonation - British English. Now the first time I was there the prof asked me whether I'd spent a year in England, which in itself is very much "!!". She was quite surprised when I told her I've spent four weeks in London, yo. Then she told me I might get an exemption from the course, I'd just have to send in a few mp3-files and then she'd judge. I got my course mark today: 1.7, which is an A-, which is pretty fucking fantastic - I don't have to attend the course any longer. HAH, take that! :P

Because I need a bit of consistency and want writing to be in my life, I'm offering prompt ficlets for you guys again! Dezemberträume '09 - to make your December a bit brighter by giving you something you want to see done. Or something. :)

Fandoms: Harry Potter (please no TNG characters), Supernatural, CW RPS. (possibly: Merlin (very possible), Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, The Vampire Diaries. Not promising these - please also give me something from the other fandoms to work with, 'k?)

For those interested, in an RL-related sidenote, life at uni is amazing. That's pretty much all there is to say about it :P My Creative Writing course has actually kickstarted my original writing, which is a lovely first. I'm still getting used to it and feeling pretty wobbly on this unfamiliar terrain, but it's definitely in good fun! *g* Other than that - well, there's a lot of reading to do, but it's all about things I'm interested in. I just read some forty-odd pages about point of view and narration and perspective and focalisation and God knows what else. IT WAS AMAZING :D

It's my first official day of uni tomorrow - I only have two classes, but of course these are 90 minutes long; I'll be there from 1 till 5. Add to that the 90 or more minutes it takes to get there and then the same back again, my day is effectively long enough. Still feeling very reserved towards this. We'll see how it goes tomorrow, right? I just hope I get into the creative writing class, 'cause that'd be awesome. I'd love to explore writing towards the realm of original fiction. I mean, I do have a goal called "getting published", and I need to start polishing stuff and working on something beside fanfiction in order to achieve that, right? ;)

Now I'm wondering if I should read fic, finish up reading Oedipus Rex or brainstorm on my spn_j2_xmas assignment (namely, surfing through the two books I just acquired: a handbook of demons (monsters, vampires, werewolves) and a handbook of superstition, LOL. The people in the bookshop eyed me a little nervously when I went up to the counter, squeeing to my colleagues!).

I feel so weirdly out of place around here. What is even happening in HP fandom right about now? Which fests are going to happen this year? All you guys are welcome to talk to me, too, tell me how you've been faring! 'cause it's an insane task to try and read all your journals, my God. Ain't I lazy? :P

No, but seriously, I've just done 161 matches for spn_j2_xmas, which was a huuuge task. I can't even stretch that enough. I was having trouble getting the matches done for some reason; it took me 25 hours to do them. Last year, with 130 participants, it took me only 18 hours. I'm currently dealing with the backlash of sending the assignments out; both my co-mods are on vacation. Which is okay, just a lot to do ;)

Next week I'm going to start uni, finally. I'm still feeling a little underwhelmed by it all, but it'll come as soon as I start making contact with people there. I'm actually going to try to get into a creative writing class in English, which is why -

I'm kickstarting the writing! I'm currently working on a super-dark piece of Snupin which I started back in the day for the Dark Side of Snupin Challenge. I hadn't written much of it, so that's good; I don't actually have to work on something from scratch (which I would find difficult right now), but it's not as if I'm not adding anything to the story. I only had like 400 words of it, and since I don't know what I actually wanted to do with it, I can just let the muse run free. It feels so good, too!!! Man, I missed writing, so so much. I'm going to do mini_nanowrimo this year again, with a commitment of 100 words. We'll see if I can manage - but they say third time's the charm, right? :P

So, uh, GUYS.

I've been clicking around LJ/IJ for the past couple days because I apparently mod spn_j2_xmas again this year, and I just. GOD. How could I have been absent for so long? There's this tightness in my chest and I feel like crying right now, for God's sake, because I've been missing blogging, and writing, and talking to the lot of you, which I haven't really been doing since, oh, January?

Um, I've no idea if this means I'm going to come back like, for real. I'm going to start university in thirteen days (English and, er, Science of Pedagogics or whatever you might want to call it? IDK!), and I'm not sure if the muse will perk up again and if I haven't gone on to letting RL play the major role in my life instead of fandom and stuff (which would be good, see above: UNI), but anyway. I feel this desperate need to check in with you guys and to tell you I love you still and think of you, even though I'm not around, and just, yeah. I'm being hugely sentimental right now, aren't I? ♥

/I return you to your normal fandom goings-on. If there are still portions of it on IJ, that is!

Things with the Guy I wrote about a few weeks ago? Are over, as of yesterday. I'm not heart-broken, but it does feel like a simultaneous punch in the face and kick in the ass. It's taken me a long time to find someone with whom I thought things might have a chance of working out and where I desperately wanted to trust; hardly did I know there were complications in the form of another woman involved. I can't really put it all on his head because sometimes life just doesn't work out the way we want it to and he certainly didn't mean to put me (or himself) in this situation, but the thing is I'll have to face him at work for the next five months, and it's just... I don't know. I'd love to go down fighting, but I don't really think I stand a chance. I wouldn't even know how to go about fighting for it anyway. In the end, it's just... bitter, I guess.

Back to putting together the pieces.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the King's horses and all the King's Men
Couldn't bring Humpty together again.

but at least it's only two months (to the day!) until I'm back in London, to spend more time with all you fabulous people :D

More detailed write-up to follow later because apparently I'm going out with a friend tonight. Huh. *g*

I think the deinties of the internet are set against me.

I'm sitting at Grimmauld Place, trying to get my Firefox to connect to the internet. My Firefox has never been actually bitchy, but I think maybe it's got something against a British connection? Maybe it only really wants to work with German internet? I've no idea. Anyway, this means I just strategically destroyed too many tabs to count (*sob*) so I could actually, y'know, look up what I want to do today. (I'm thinking Natural History Museum, then go and buy National Express tickets, then Madness & Modernity and/or a little bit of shopping. Idk. We'll see how much I can take!)

Is loading three tabs too much to ask? Is it???

(Btw, I might have mentioned that I had a small problem booking a room here at Grimmauld Place because I don't have a goddamn credit card? The GP people told me I should just stop by anyway, I'd have a great chance of getting my single room... So I turned up here. Turns out there was no single room available anymore, but because they remembered emailing with me I now got myself a double-bedded room for the price of a single. YAY! At least something. You can't imagine how much I panicked when I heard the single room was taken. *exhales*)

Off I am to the airport... :D Can't wait to be in London again! Now here's to hoping everything's going to go well with my hotel room... Don't break the internet while I'm gone!

I seem to have acquired A Guy. I'd been subtly trying to pull his attention in the right direction for two and a half weeks, and yesterday evidently we finally arrived where we'd been wanting to go. This is going to be quite interesting because a) he's a colleague of mine (only started at the beginning of the month), b) my mother is home from Munich, and c) I leave for England in three days.

I'm still a little nonplussed because it's been such a long time since I've had anything going on in this kind of direction. I'm trying to be careful, but from what I know of him he might actually be good for me. Which would be a first...

I feel so doomed. Now neither snapelike nor imma are going to meet up with me in London! They can't come (through no fault of their own), which leaves me all by myself. Eh. This is less than ideal :/ I do have other people I'm going to meet there (anyone to whom I haven't spoken about meeting up yet?), but I really wish I could have had some time with the two of them, as rooming with them last year was brilliant. *sniff*

You know how I haven't written a word in, oh, just over two months? I am determined to flood this writerly desert today. I need my words, and you can give them to me.

I want to write drabbles, so prompt me! I don't guarantee anything as to length and/or quality, I just want something to get my mind back into it. Character/pairing and a word (or photo, or whatever floats your boat). HP, SPN/CW RPS, or Merlin *cough*. Possibly LotR. Possibly other things. Ask. Though see above as to the no guaranteeing anything.

I'm thinking about implementing a filter for RL-related purposes. I don't want to bore anyone with my shaky stuff, so speak up if you want to be on it! I'm also open to any and all kind of email correspondence - I'd rather talk there than via comments, for I'm private like that and like emailing better, because it gives me more space to talk. Not necessarily just about myself, mind you ;)

For those who don't know - I've been buried by my anxiety for the past two months. I won't bore you with the details, but it seems like fandom is getting the bad end of it. My muse is dead; she momentarily speaks up here or there, but it's seldom, and mostly my job just exhausts me so that nothing on the writerly end comes around.

I've begun reading fic here or there again, but I'm afraid I've missed a lot. It's sad being so disconnected from y'all, especially since I'm going to be in London and Kent in two weeks! So I ask you to rec me the good stuff that's been posted over the last two months! Rarepairs, Snupin, Snarry, fic, art, short, long - I don't care. Good characterisation and, if possible, some psychological depth would be great. Please? *puppy eyes* I need the distraction. Also, get my English back into shape ;)

I'm lying down with a nice combination of laryngitis and sinusitis. I've been sick since Friday but of course couldn't stay home; the fact that I work in kindergarten of course didn't help my throat any. I went to work until Tuesday (singing in the morning circle with my kids was hilarious as I couldn't hold a tune to save my life, my voice cracking all over the place, LOL) and then stayed home because at least another teacher could take my group from Wednesday on. I practically begged my doctor to give me something so I could go to work, but she firmly told me to leave it at that. My voice was already pretty damaged at that point. The doc said that if I didn't stay home *now* I'd probably have no voice at all anymore by the time the weekend rolled around, and then I could look forward to staying home for roughly ten days or something. So I gave in. I'm feeling better now - it's my second day on sick leave - and at least I seem to have a little bit of my brain back, which always counts for something, no? Eh.

Because of this combination of too little sleep, being overworked and underpaid, sickness, AND planning my mother's move to Munich, I'm also the worst possible exchange participant in like, ever. I think I'll have to send feet-long apologies when I finally get my two outstanding fics in. I can't believe I am this bad :( I have time on my hands now, but not the mental capacity to concentrate for a longer stretch of time. I need to pound through editing one fic, which I shall do today no matter what, and tomorrow I'll work on the other fic I need to beat into submission - wish me luck for it!

(not even) 6am: another week has begun.

I just said goodbye to my mother, who left for the week for the town she works in. Got in maybe one grand hour of sleep. Coffee + cigarettes would be made of win right now, but sadly I can't smoke just yet because my uncle comes over today because... someone needs to do something in the flat, and I can't be home 'cause that'd mean losing an entire day of work, which, not on. At least I have my coffee...

Gotta get some stuff clean now (why so bloody early!). I think today is going to be quite interesting. Don't you agree? :/

ETA: We shall not forget to mention that apparently I have a jammed nerve thing next to my shoulderblade (ow!) and that starting today, I have my own group of kids who maybe I should be able to lift if needed. Can someone send a virtual massage? It would be much appreciated.

Wow, I just squeezed out the missing half of my wizard_love fic. I think the fact that I had to take some time off it wasn't so bad after all; it gave me time to gather new strength and determination and also some distance to what I had down already. I'm not sure what to think of it right now, but I'll leave my personal judgement of that 'til tomorrow. I have an extension until the 7th with it anyway, so I can make the editing process as thorough as I'm capable.

Now back to reading Marion Zimmer Bradley's Lady of Avalon, which is the second of three prequels (I think?) to The Mists of Avalon. In that vein, do any of you have any recommendations for Arthurian legend reading material? The only other I've read too many years ago to actually remember is Rosalind Miles' Guenevere - The Queen of the Summer Country.

Hahaha! I just initiated payment for the PendraCon in July! Eeeeeh!!! I really am so looking forward to EVERYTHING happening this year. I mean, I'm going to be in London and Kent in April too, so... what's not to like, I ask?

Haven't been doing any writing this past week, which plain sucks; I'm going to have to take much more responsibility at work (some of it which I legally shouldn't really be allowed to do, but you can twist this around so that I can do it after all...). I'm looking forward to actually having a group of children of "my own", so to speak - ten 2-3 year-olds. It's going to be challenging and exhausting, but so great, I think. It's definitely... quite something. I've been trying to figure out how to go about it all week, hence not being around much, hence no writing - hence have to contact several people about deadlines. *headdesk* Shall do so in a moment.

That said - LONDON I'M COMING.

Ahahaha WHAT. This day has gone well beyond ridiculous, guys.

First off, there's this guy I've been kind of... crushing on since September (though I haven't really spoken to him yet, so go figure), and I thought he was actually gone out of my life since December. And today he appeared at work (he's the Hot Construction Worker), ahahaha. LOL.

Then, I signed up for spn_j2_bigbang. And a few hours later I realise that there's Snupin: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, for which I have a tentative plotbunny that might or might not make the 25k, and I realise that the Snupin Big Bang and the SPN/J2 Big Bang have almost exactly the same due dates, Snupin being one day earlier for everything. WHAT WHAT WHAT. Especially since I'll be in England at the time, so that means - if I want to go through with the Snupin BB I have to have it written into a submittable fashion until April 22. And I have a major deadline for April 19 already. AGH. How to manage this, I ask?

Also, I coded 100 links for the masterlist of spn_j2_xmas, and it made me feel physically sick. I cannot for the life of me see another word written on a computer. Except for where I do, obviously.

Help!