I'm exhausted.

Too many kids around me this week, which meant I had to go shopping to balance the eye-roll sarcasm and frustration they were causing, heh. On the first day, within two hours of being with the kids, I was asked about the colour of my underwear and whether I shaved my armpits. By a nine-year-old.

At least I had the day off today, which meant some lazing about. I'm trying to catch up on all the unanswered correspondence this weekend as well as get some damned fic writing in - I haven't written anything in two weeks, which is probably the longest time since... Oh, September? Whee.

A numbered list.

1. LONDON!!! The snupin_meeting! Lots of awesome people! July 21-27. Emails have gone out regarding this. If you were waiting for one.

2. SLEEP! I've spent like, a gazillion hours sleeping. And it's done wonders for my lack of optimism and enthusiasm. YAY PEOPLE! YAY GETTING UP! YAY DOING THINGS! When did I last feel like this, I ask you?

3. PAIN! My wrist hurts like a bitch. I guess writing roughly 24K in two weeks kind of overstressed it. Which doesn't mean I'm gonna stop writing, because...

4. DEADLINES! Lookit! *tears hair out*

5. FINANCES! They're all clear now for London, finally, OMFG. Caused much anxiety on this side.

6. PEOPLE! I LOVE PEOPLE! IF I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU SO IN RECENT TIME, I'M TELLING YOU NOW! ♥

7. TALK! There's been much sex talk going on at work, which, fun. Also, one of my colleagues has been talking to me about her committing adultery, and her affairs, and stuff. Which, weird, but also, inspiration. Heh.

8. lupin_snape's Fantasy Fest!!! CLAIMING IS NOW UNDERWAY. God, I fail for almost missing this important tidbit of information.

This post is brought to you by the letters S, H and M. I will now return you to your scheduled gloom seriousness.

Apparently I'm having an identity crisis?

My dreams last night included this gem:


I was in London, at Curzon Hostel at Curzon Court Road, and I went to university somewhere thereabouts - being an exchange student from Germany. I was also a gay man who had unprotected sex without lube (man, that burned!), with Draco. I think he was angry with me and therefore decided to stake his claim on me or something. I'm not sure if maybe I was Harry - and dreaming of Harry/Draco, which is one of the few pairings I absolutely under no circumstance read, um, okay? - but anyway, this unprotected sex without lube made me late for university.

All the way through lectures I kept squirming because I could still feel Draco inside of me, and everyone threw me glances like they absolutely knew what had happened.


o_O OKAY. Seriously body, WTF? *rolls eyes at self*

This is to say, I'm feeling better. Apparently good fandom things + trying to set up a sleeping pattern + looking forward to the Snupin Meeting instead of looking backwards at the past are doing wonders. Also, writing = YAY!


ETA: There are two guys sitting beside me, surfing the internet (I luckily thought to bring my laptop with me), and they're looking at pictures. It seems they're rating the females after their appearance???

hp_rarities has had its reveal. I wrote a pinch-hit for opheliet:

Inebriation
Lily/Sirius (main), Regulus/Sirius. NC-17. ~4,300 words.
Lily would hesitate to call Sirius Black her first love. She would call him her first, most magnificent fuck, maybe, or her first experimentation, but if it came down to it she would deny any sort of emotional attachment.
Pay attention to the heavy adultery warning!


Soccer/football. Quarter final yesterday:

Germany : Portugal
 3 : 2

Who would have thought??? I totally didn't!

After the match, all of Berlin was a huge party zone, partying, singing, drunk fans clogging the streets, blocking traffic and public transportation. It was... amazing. Our victory in Monday against Austria, a meagre 1:0, had been very disappointing, so to see us return in this manner and win against Portugal was... god. Just great.

[ETA: Just watched Croatia-Turkey, and holy cow, we're up against Turkey? Fucking hell. I'm scared of what'll happen on Wednesday at the semi final! Berlin has a huge Turkish community, so... Eep.]


Work: is making me unhappy. I don't like our four new people at all. I feel like they're looking down on me because I'm only 19, and sadly they aren't people of intelligence; that I feel kinda superior makes me feel bad, but I can't help it. They say stuff about things that are a) ignorant and b), in response, make me defensive about my own beliefs. I don't think they see me as someone who can actually have a somewhat informed conversation about any topic of importance, and that makes me both furious and self-conscious. Bah.


To-do for the weekend:

• go through the spn_j2_bigbang fic (of 66K!) I've been sent to work on
  
• Snupin fic: write ~1.5K; find beta
  
• Wordlessly (aka the SPN fic o' doom): post-beta edit #1 of part the first; bring up overall word count to 8.5K (+ ~2K)
  
• riding!AU (Snupin): edit; bring up overall word count to 7K
  
• J2 AU Summer Love Challenge: write plot outline

Plans for the weekend include: watching the other three quarter finals and going to the Fête de la Musique, one of the greatest music festivals happening all over Berlin. Which essentially means half of my weekend cannot be spent working on write-y things. :(

Fandom is the perfect pick-me-up place as of late. I love you guys ♥

Germany's Next Topmodel finished today, and I do not understand the decision like, at all. Jenny? Seriously? I voted Christina would win when only three girls were left, and when Christina had to go, I voted Janina (who had been my favourite, though I saw her failings). Grrr. Sadly, I cannot even find pics and/or video clips of the girls to show off what I mean! Frustrating.

Work is boring. So boring that I don't even know what to do anymore; the "homework kids" aren't coming because it's too hot and school therefore finishes early without giving them homework. And that when I'm someone whose head needs to have something to do. I want to be mentally challenged. Someone give me topics to discuss! Today, just to do something, I talked to this one woman about my social dysfunctionality even though I didn't really want to, but sometimes stopping is kinda difficult. I don't even like that woman - she's freaking naive. I feel a definite vibe of antipathy.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit my friend with anorexia in hospital. She's been there for three weeks now; her body can function again (her heart beat had slowed down!), but she's nowhere close to getting out of this. She takes anti-depression meds so she actually, y'know, eat without totally losing it. I don't know how long it'll take until she's stable; she wants to get better, which is very very good, but it's gonna be one hell of a long way. At least two more months of therapy in hospital, and then long-term therapy when she's home, that's what I've been told so far. However, that plan can change any day. I'm worried, though less worried than I used to be. At least she's in professional hands now.


I should probably do something now, but I can't look at another application right now. I'm too tired to write, too awake to go to sleep, too unmotivated to read. Meh. I think the reason for my being this way is the fact that my friends (the few that I have left, anyway) don't have time for me :( I think I need some time out with them. Can't have everything, I suppose...


At least the European Soccer Championships 2008 UEFA European Football Championship will start in a couple days! GO GERMANY! *waves flag*

Also? Today I walked my feet bloody. What the hell.

And tomorrow is gonna be another day of heat. Temperatures surrounding 30°C for the past what, ten days? It's awesome, though it prevents me from sleeping, er, restfully. Which means my moods aren't exactly... stable. Heh. More cynicism from my side - as if the world needed that!

I should probably really go do something now. Reading it is after all, I suppose. *sigh*

The good thing about being at work when all the kids are on break?

I can take my laptop with me and write. I've already managed 1,000 words. WIN.

The bad thing?

It's fucking tiring. NOTHING TO DO except trying to concentrate. That's kinda difficult if you're, y'know, tired.

Now I'm preparing to head home, and I'm sure I'm going to fall into bed for an hour or two. But I can't bring myself to care since I've already written some of the Supernatural fic that's ghosting around in my brain. Deadline of June 8, I'm going to fucking PWN you! *g*

- SUPERNATURAL IS BACK. I will not bore you with my opinion of last night's episode, 3.13, but let me say: BOOOOYS, I <3 YOU. SO MUCH.

- the cold is still in full force, but as long as I'm doped up I feel good. Is that good or no good?

- I has seekrit projekt. shiny_crystal has promised to help. Poor thing, I hope she knows what she's getting herself into! Someone else has also been bothered with my Wanting to Know Things. Information should be up sometime... next week, I hope? Because I have a long weekend next week. YAY FOR NO WORK.

- I'm going to have to be up at 4AM tomorrow. Yes, you read that right. I'm helping a friend out - she's riding a tournament tomorrow, and I'm her TT ("Tournament Idiot" :P). LMAO.

- I am amused by the fact that a third of the HP people I stumble across are also at least halfway into the Supernatural or its RPS fandom.

- FESTS: I am glad it's only the snarry_games I'm following at the moment. Because I'm way behind there already! And May is going to be way more busy, fest-wise! So much reading to do again, OMG! *wibbles*

In conclusion: YAY SUPERNATURAL! BOO COLD!



ETA: - my work contract actually only goes until June, but I asked whether they'd like to keep me longer - looks like I'm going to be there until September! W00t!

You know what's the fun kind of Valentine's Day?

Knowing that you've got a panic attack coming on to you. My breathing has been all shallow these past two hours, which generally is the beginning for me.

It's parents' night with the parents of my schoolkids, and I'm fucking terrified. I'm in charge with the schoolchildren, which is alright with me; what's not alright is being 19 years old and having to tell parents twice my age something about their kids. I'm afraid the parents won't take me serious. I don't know them yet and I think they're going to be a somewhat difficult crowd.

Wah. Hold me. *smokes chain*

What makes me happy:

Being done with the wizard_love monster (disclaimer: I'm not saying it is, wordcount-wise. Just that it owned my brain for way too long) that had me frustrated for weeks. Not that it's sent in yet, but at least it's in beta stage. I lose at exchanges. :/

What makes me sigh:

Thinking that "Whee I can attack my next deadline fic," and then being attacked by a vicious plotbunny of d00m instead. Um. Weasleycest? WTF brain, WTF?

I am now sitting at work pretending to work. On a homepage, which generally is fun, but, y'know, it's Monday morning and I had to get up at 2AM and write down what I knew about the Weasleycest bunny. Otherwise it wouldn't let me sleep. I'm fucking tired.

When I'm looking at a 7yo boy dressed up as a female clown in a circus show and thinking "o.o shiny, kinky stuff," there must be something wrong with me.

( some sex-related anecdotes from RL )

Also, I've been reading amazing fic in three fandoms (HP, SPN, dS) in my attempt to get my schedule cleared for December (OMG only six days!!!). And SPN RPS is made of luuuurve. Ack. Watch me become poly-fannish *sigh*

Which reminds me: the next SPN ep will air on December 13, y/y? And the one after that, 3.09, on my birthday, January 3??? God. That sucks. (Except for the birthday thing. That certainly doesn't! But, y'know, it only being 2 eps in a month and a half.)

So I started my new job today.

It was actually fun, though in the tiring sense :) I started at 10:30 AM, and my first "assignment" was to babysit an 11-months-old girl. She was quite cute and relatively easy to handle. Also, I didn't have to change her diapers or anything, the mother came by to do so :D

At 2PM the homework session with the schoolchildren started, until 4PM. Mainly I had to do English (yay! I think I managed to impress them...), German and maths, easy stuff since they're first- to sixth-graders. The only problem with them: they're children of immigrants (mainly Arabic and Turkish, I think), so there are some who don't speak a lot of German. Also, children at that age are continuously testing their boundaries, but I won't let them fuck with me. They tried today, but I think I did quite well with saying "Stop that right this second." At least for someone working there for the first time...

Monday a camera team will come and film us at the "neighbour station", for lack of a better description. askfdjhgasdfhg. NOT READY FOR THAT! Also, I don't particularly want to be filmed. Am totally too self-conscious. GAH!

I don't know what other things I'll have to do in the future, but I have until summer to figure that out.

Now I need to get writing because there are deadlines and my 200 words for mini_nanowrimo to be done. W00t.

ALSO: NaNo'ers, HAVE FUN AND MUCH... er, SUCCESS!!!

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!

I'll be working with an association that mainly has social projects and deals with psychologically ill people. And I'll have the job until next year, which is pretty awesome - especially since I'll have a lot of chances/possibilities there... I can practically choose what I'd like to do and do it. Might also be able to do hippotherapy...! *squee*

Heroes is Very Amazing as usual. The only thing that bugs me is that a lot of you can watch the new episode on Mondays. I only have it on Wednesdays :( Actually Heroes has begun airing on German TV last week, and I watched about a couple of minutes of it and decided it was awful. Funny how just the language can change the perception, no?

Supernatural has also begun airing here. That's one of the shows I'm not following already, and I don't see me doing so in the foreseeable future either. I don't know, the premise doesn't intrigue me that much. I'd probably try to get my hands on it if I weren't downloading due South at the moment, but this way...

Fandom-related: sexy_brilliance's masterlist is up. I'm so happy about this year's fest - it was SO relaxed! I never thought running an exchange could actually be that, though I'm still glad it's over, as it gives me time to finally write.

I AM ALL ALONE AT WORK OMG. Or rather, I'm all alone in my room - one of my co-workers has called in sick, the other is away on leave.

AWESOME. That means I can read fic! Filthy, dirty porn! And I could even look at NWS art if I were so inclined! :D

And I thought work would suck today!

First day at the new job today - I'm very exhausted! I didn't have a lot to do, just some internet research that was mainly quite fruitless, some working in MS Excel, some walking through the house and finding my way, but still. New people, new situations and all that - it wasn't easy.

But! I will be allowed to work with HTML/PHP/CSS/what-have-you at one point! I'll just have to read some handbooks on the matter :D Writing the newsletter of the firm and optimising some work processes are also among my tasks.

I just looked at the harddrive of my laptop and realised that it is almost full - 129 GBs are filled, of which the most is episodes of Alias, Angel, Buffy and Heroes. And some music, of course. Meh. Now I will either have to buy some of the shows' seasons on DVD and delete them from my harddrive, or buy an external harddrive, both of which are tempting. I guess I'll buy something on DVD, though - I don't trust harddrives, I've had them crash too many times. Some scars never fade and all that. Hello, first pay cheque, and goodbye again.

*yawns*

Just to have this important day recorded:

TODAY I GOT MY FIRST EVER JOB.

I'll start on Thursday - it's an IT systems firm, quite small. I don't know for sure what I'll have to do and what the pay is, but the important thing is that I will get money and will have a job.

So. I'm happy and also a little nervous, as you might be able to imagine.