the german pornstar

Don't have much time (as seems usual this week), but I'm just popping in to say that the university of my choice just sent me a declination. And I don't have much of a chance to get into the others so... I seem pretty fucked right now.

:(

To counteract the giant sadface I have going right now I'm going to get myself a new cell phone. And maybe watch Buffy with a friend. And get drunk. Gotta do something happy-making today, right?

I'm currently barking up the emo tree. *eyeroll at self*

Most of it is my current desire to be anywhere but in Berlin. Or rather, I want to be in another country, though I'd happily still be in Berlin if there was another language around me. Preferably English. What can I say, I just adore that language.

This is not enough reason to be emo? I agree. But what can you do? *long-suffering sigh*

I was on a touristy boat trip on the Spree today, which was beautiful. And I do love my hometown so much. I just... want the increased anonymity, I guess. And the feeling that I'm actually doing something as opposed to not moving at all, like I've done the past, oh, almost two years now. I mean, this guilt trip thing isn't exactly new to me, but can I be done with this already? I'm fed up with feeling like this.

Yes, angry and emo. Brilliant. BLAH.

WANT. OUT OF THE. COUNTRY. NAOOO.

At least university stuff should begin to come in in two weeks or so. Hopefully they want me this year, 'cause if they don't? I've no idea what I'll be doing then.

I'm exhausted.

Too many kids around me this week, which meant I had to go shopping to balance the eye-roll sarcasm and frustration they were causing, heh. On the first day, within two hours of being with the kids, I was asked about the colour of my underwear and whether I shaved my armpits. By a nine-year-old.

At least I had the day off today, which meant some lazing about. I'm trying to catch up on all the unanswered correspondence this weekend as well as get some damned fic writing in - I haven't written anything in two weeks, which is probably the longest time since... Oh, September? Whee.

... though I can't say I'm happy to be back from London. Switching back to talking/thinking German is just plain weird, and I'd actually just made peace with all the people and cars and the few green areas there! :(

imma and snapelike, my mother was not dead after all! Hope your return journey is safe. ♥

A numbered list.

1. LONDON!!! The snupin_meeting! Lots of awesome people! July 21-27. Emails have gone out regarding this. If you were waiting for one.

2. SLEEP! I've spent like, a gazillion hours sleeping. And it's done wonders for my lack of optimism and enthusiasm. YAY PEOPLE! YAY GETTING UP! YAY DOING THINGS! When did I last feel like this, I ask you?

3. PAIN! My wrist hurts like a bitch. I guess writing roughly 24K in two weeks kind of overstressed it. Which doesn't mean I'm gonna stop writing, because...

4. DEADLINES! Lookit! *tears hair out*

5. FINANCES! They're all clear now for London, finally, OMFG. Caused much anxiety on this side.

6. PEOPLE! I LOVE PEOPLE! IF I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU SO IN RECENT TIME, I'M TELLING YOU NOW! ♥

7. TALK! There's been much sex talk going on at work, which, fun. Also, one of my colleagues has been talking to me about her committing adultery, and her affairs, and stuff. Which, weird, but also, inspiration. Heh.

8. lupin_snape's Fantasy Fest!!! CLAIMING IS NOW UNDERWAY. God, I fail for almost missing this important tidbit of information.

This post is brought to you by the letters S, H and M. I will now return you to your scheduled gloom seriousness.

eeyore9990 is so very generous and made of awesome! She wrote me two drabbles, and both are amazing:

The Safety of Illusion, Bellatrix/Remus, and

(Not Quite) The Disruption, Bill/Charlie/Percy.

*flails*


The day at work is slooooow, so I'm working on the correspondence I've been lagging behind on. And I have an appointment with my hair-dresser later today! It's been nine months (!!!) since the last time I cut and dyed my hair, and it's showing way too much. I won't be doing anything new; I'll still just have my hair a bit lighter than the "ash blonde" it naturally is, and have some more blonde and copper highlights, and it'll be cut down to shoulder-length and have its pretty ordinary, er, different levels of hair length in the front (shorter) than in the back? What's that called? I just want to be able to have it at its usual waviness without it just looking... unkempt, no matter what I do. And I love being at the hair-dresser's. It's just... so nice there. So yay for that.

*yawns* *looks at clock*

( blah blah. assailed by a bout of angst. )

Fandom is the perfect pick-me-up place as of late. I love you guys ♥

Germany's Next Topmodel finished today, and I do not understand the decision like, at all. Jenny? Seriously? I voted Christina would win when only three girls were left, and when Christina had to go, I voted Janina (who had been my favourite, though I saw her failings). Grrr. Sadly, I cannot even find pics and/or video clips of the girls to show off what I mean! Frustrating.

Work is boring. So boring that I don't even know what to do anymore; the "homework kids" aren't coming because it's too hot and school therefore finishes early without giving them homework. And that when I'm someone whose head needs to have something to do. I want to be mentally challenged. Someone give me topics to discuss! Today, just to do something, I talked to this one woman about my social dysfunctionality even though I didn't really want to, but sometimes stopping is kinda difficult. I don't even like that woman - she's freaking naive. I feel a definite vibe of antipathy.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit my friend with anorexia in hospital. She's been there for three weeks now; her body can function again (her heart beat had slowed down!), but she's nowhere close to getting out of this. She takes anti-depression meds so she actually, y'know, eat without totally losing it. I don't know how long it'll take until she's stable; she wants to get better, which is very very good, but it's gonna be one hell of a long way. At least two more months of therapy in hospital, and then long-term therapy when she's home, that's what I've been told so far. However, that plan can change any day. I'm worried, though less worried than I used to be. At least she's in professional hands now.


I should probably do something now, but I can't look at another application right now. I'm too tired to write, too awake to go to sleep, too unmotivated to read. Meh. I think the reason for my being this way is the fact that my friends (the few that I have left, anyway) don't have time for me :( I think I need some time out with them. Can't have everything, I suppose...


At least the European Soccer Championships 2008 UEFA European Football Championship will start in a couple days! GO GERMANY! *waves flag*

Also? Today I walked my feet bloody. What the hell.

And tomorrow is gonna be another day of heat. Temperatures surrounding 30°C for the past what, ten days? It's awesome, though it prevents me from sleeping, er, restfully. Which means my moods aren't exactly... stable. Heh. More cynicism from my side - as if the world needed that!

I should probably really go do something now. Reading it is after all, I suppose. *sigh*

Just a heads-up that I'm buried in university applications - being sick again completely screwed up my schedule. Will be back on normal track as quickly as possible - on Saturday hopefully at the very latest.

Wish me luck that I'll get accepted this year!

Has anyone found a stray immune system? It's pretty tiny and rather weak in its usual state, but I'd like it back nonetheless.

In conclusion: I HATE YOU, BODY.

Eh. My answer to the Supernatural season finale, which I watched yesterday afternoon:

Drinking half a bottle of white wine at 5PM and another two thirds of a Martini Bianco bottle from 8:30PM onwards. I wasn't raging drunk - Martini rarely has a lot of effect on me - but I was... intoxicated. By the time midnight rolled around, I was definitely a little unsteady on my feet... Poor zebraspots05, she got confronted with me in my sad state. But I don't think I scared her. Did I? *is unsure*

Anyway. It seems I'm now really getting into this Writing Supernatural thing. I'm supposed to be working on one deadline fic (which, um, is SPN, too) and on two fics I recently got back from beta'ing. Instead I'm writing a coda for the season finale.

Muse, please to be shutting up now, 'k?

*headdesk*

How representative of the results of certain statements I make, at certain times of the year at least:

Last night I said to my mother upon watching Runaway Bride: "You know, I'd like to watch Notting Hill. I've recently read a story based on it, and I can't remember whether I've ever seen it, so." No, that I'm a member of fandom and write fanfiction is no secret, just the exact nature of it. That's the advantage of not being a native - I don't think they'll ever try to find me since people's English is not good enough to survive the fandom experience. Ha!

Now that I look into the TV program, guess what I find is on on TV? Right. Notting Hill. It began just this second.

WTF, life, WTF. *rolls eyes, very amused*

My immune system is completely shot to hell. I've either again managed to get a) food poisoned, or b) a stomach bug. Though it's not as bad as last time (five weeks ago), when I lay in a corner, shivering and sweating, for two days.

Ain't I lucky?

( a bout of RL )

pervy_werewolf recs:

[fic] I'm excited to be working on snapelike's LMoM story! The story so far is addictive, and I can't wait to see more. Dark-ish Snupin - be aware of the heavy NC-17 rating.

The Diary of a Death Eater Whore

[art] karasu_hime is doing (Snupin) art for LMoM this year again, which has me incredibly happy. So gorgeous all around!

Karasu's p_w tag

[art] ponderosa121 is doing LMoM, too! Her pieces - each with a different pairing - have been a treat each so far. Her work is simply beautiful.

Ponderosa's p_w tag

---

snarry_games recs; I haven't even read half of the Games' entries yet, but I'm planning on playing catch-up. Have the two outstanding fics I've read so far:

[fic] perfica's Come Out Of The West (rated R) is gorgeous from first to last. It's an Alternate Reality fic set, for the most part, in a hospital. Its structure gave me an orgasm, and I love her portrayal of Harry and Severus. There's this kind of atmosphere surrounding this fic that makes me hold my breath. Believable set-up, intense writing, and great characterisation - what more does one want?

[fic] josan's One Down, Two Across (rated NC-17, beware of warnings) is 22,000+ words of magnificence. So original, so intense, so stunning. This fic may not be a classical, sexual Snarry, but from the beginning it is clear that the relationship between the two will be the driving force of the story. From the first part, the puzzle, to the second part, the solution, this fic is breath-taking. This world completely captures you and takes you hostage, willingly until the end, and even then you want to stay with this story. It's a Stockholm Syndrome you'll develop for sure!

---

Aaand then there already is a piece to rec from this month's lupin_snape challenge: the Darkside Challenge!

[art] ships_harry's Nine tenths is simply beautiful. The contrasts work amazingly, and the blue/white tinge makes for a real sharp image. And then the words that accompany the picture... Wow. This artist always makes me want to write for her art as it's a story she draws, but I don't think words could ever capture the often chilling atmosphere of her art.

I haven't had a good start into May, I'll have to say, but I can't and won't whine any more - it doesn't make the thoughts go away. Better to think of other things. I'm just going to have to deal.

SO! Positive things! I'm a-glee about:

a) my long weekend (how many times until you're sick of hearing it?) - of which I'll spend Saturday on a tournament, AGAIN. This weekend's wake-up time: 5AM. Whee >.<
b) my friends - in RL and online ♥
c) hp_wankfest starting. I have anon fic in it!
d) Supernatural tonight
e) a couple emails from today

*crosses fingers for tomorrow, WHICH I'LL SPEND AT HOME. Possibly in bed.*

Fandom: I've written stuff, but my one regular beta is busy. I've talked to her and we've decided I should probably see whether I can get one or two more regular beta readers. I'm going to have to put up a post about that at hp_betas or something, but in case anyone around here has a desire to do beta work? OMG PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME about details and possible reciprocation and stuff. My email: envinyatar15@yahoo.de

RL: I spent most of the weekend with that friend of mine who has major issues, and I've talked to her a lot about where she's going to go now that things are this bad. It's been... well, stressful, but I'm glad I can be there for her. And I'm glad she trusts me enough to turn to me with these major issues she has. Last night she and her mother were over to dinner, and she ATE until her hunger had abated for the first time in weeks. She only weighs 42kg now :(

That's pretty much my life right now, heh. I can't wait for May! Right at the beginning I have a free long weekend! Can't wait to actually sleep, OMG, after getting up at 3.15AM on Saturday. That wasn't so great...

- SUPERNATURAL IS BACK. I will not bore you with my opinion of last night's episode, 3.13, but let me say: BOOOOYS, I <3 YOU. SO MUCH.

- the cold is still in full force, but as long as I'm doped up I feel good. Is that good or no good?

- I has seekrit projekt. shiny_crystal has promised to help. Poor thing, I hope she knows what she's getting herself into! Someone else has also been bothered with my Wanting to Know Things. Information should be up sometime... next week, I hope? Because I have a long weekend next week. YAY FOR NO WORK.

- I'm going to have to be up at 4AM tomorrow. Yes, you read that right. I'm helping a friend out - she's riding a tournament tomorrow, and I'm her TT ("Tournament Idiot" :P). LMAO.

- I am amused by the fact that a third of the HP people I stumble across are also at least halfway into the Supernatural or its RPS fandom.

- FESTS: I am glad it's only the snarry_games I'm following at the moment. Because I'm way behind there already! And May is going to be way more busy, fest-wise! So much reading to do again, OMG! *wibbles*

In conclusion: YAY SUPERNATURAL! BOO COLD!



ETA: - my work contract actually only goes until June, but I asked whether they'd like to keep me longer - looks like I'm going to be there until September! W00t!

A list, just because.

- spring has finally arrived! o_O YAY! IT IS WARM. THE SUN IS SHINING. THERE IS NO CLOUD VISIBLE IN THE SKY.
- the cold is almost defeated. MORE YAY!
- with this victory, my muse has returned full-force. I was assaulted by three different plotbunnies for the Dark Side of Snupin challenge that's coming in May when before I had a very vague one. I've even finished the erotic_elves fic. EVEN MORE YAY.
- I was shopping after work today. Or rather, I was looking at clothes. And shoes. And stuff. I even found some things I liked (a dress! I haven't had an actual summer dress in years!), though I need to see how much money my mother needs from me before I decide whether I can actually buy anything. BOO FINANCIAL PROBLEMS, BOO.
- I need to clean the flat. I actually want to clean the flat. Er. *knocks at self's head* Jules, is that you in there? Have you been temporarily taken over by... someone else? Anyone else?
- have begun reading Neil Gaiman's American Gods. The end of chapter 1, which I read last night, made me go vey, very o_O er wtf huh? Heh. I was very amused by my own reaction. And of course by that scene, too.

In conclusion:

YAY SPRING!

Not dead, just having a lot of stress at work and family stuff and my friend with the panic attacks to take care of.

So. Because it looks like there's a thunderstorm coming and I'm waiting for my food to finish cooking, let me ramble away about horse-related stuff.

( I have my Peppo back! )

OH GOD. I'm dying. *wallows in self-pity*

toilet + me = the new dream team of love hate love.

I HATE STOMACH BUGS. I'm all shake-y and headache-y. Reading, let alone writing, are impossible. asdfghj. And I'm already behind on the reading, so this day off could have been the perfect opportunity to catch up! But noooo...

And with that very powerful mini-rant all my strength has evaporated. You'll find me huddled in bed if you need me :S